I Need That Thing!

Yan Krukau, via pexels.com.

Carol: “Is this the Computer Robotics and Automation Programmingdepartment?”

Mike: “Yes, this is CRAP.”

Carol: “Oh good! I need a thing!”

Mike: “Um, can you be more specific, what kind of thing do you need?”

Carol: “Oh yes, it’s that thing that Alice has over in the Business Underwriting and Resource Planning division.

Mike: “I’m very familiar with BURP, but can you tell me what thing you’re talking about?”

Carol: “Oh yes, it’s a very great thing. And we in the Business Accounting and Resource Focus division have the very same issues they have in BURP, so we need the same thing.”

Mike: “Right. But BURP has a lot of things. What is the thing you are referring to?”

Carol: “Alice, over in BURP, can tell you. She said it fixed everything. I need everything fixed, too. Once my management hears that Alice fixed everything with the thing, they’ll ask me why BARF doesn’t have it, too!”

Mike: “Okay, we’ll set up a meeting with Alice and see if we can get to the bottom of this. In the meantime, I’ll need you to complete the online intake form.”

Carol: “There’s really no need for that. This must get this done, and fast. I am leaving the country for three years tomorrow, so there’s no time to complete the form.”

Mike: “Well, in CRAP, we prioritize requests based on the Level of Effort or LOE and the Return on Investment, or ROI. We need to know those things before we can proceed.”

Carol: “I can tell you this has all the ROI and no LOE. This just needs be done immediately. I can go to the CEO if you need me to, but I’m leaving the country in a few minutes so there’s no time. You just get the thing and let my assistant, Greg, know when it’s done.”

Mike: “That’s not the way it works. We have hundreds of requests and projects underway. Unless you’ll be funding it yourself, from your own budget, we need the intake done and then we’ll evaluate your request against all the others.”

Carol: “I have all the money, so yes, it will come from my budget. Greg will give you the money. I have all the money. Money is no object. This must get done immediately. It is the HIGHEST priority for the company — even the CEO doesn’t know about it.”

Mike: “Well, if you’ll be funding it, then I will assign a project manager, a business analyst, a robotics developer, an automation developer and a legal representative to get started.”

Carol: “That’s great news. You talk with Alice and Greg. It would be great if all of BARF could have the thing tomorrow. Bye for now.”

Mike: “Hi, Marcia. We’ve got a TOP PRIORITY request from BARF. I need you to set up a meeting with Alice from BURP. She has a thing that Carol wants in BARF.”

Marcia: “Sure thing, Mike. What is the thing?”

Mike: “Alice will tell you everything. Greg, in BARF, also knows the full story. This is your TOP PRIORITY. Assemble a full project team immediately. Carol is funding this and it has the CEO’s attention.

Marcia: “Hi, Chachi, this is Marcia in BURP. Are you familiar with the thing they have over in BARF?”

Chachi: “What thing, there are many things?”

Marcia: “Oh, right, the thing that fixed everything. We need to replicate that thing for BARF. This is the board’s top priority – you’re authorized to drop everything to help with this initiative.”

Chachi: “I’m not familiar with the thing. Do you know who wrote it?”

Marcia: “I don’t think anyone wrote it, it just works. Let’s set up a meeting with Alice – she is in the loop.”

Marcia: “Hi, Alice. Thank you so much for hopping on this call last-minute. We need the thing for Carol in BURP.”

Alice: “Marcia, which thing are you referring to?”

Marcia: “The one that has all of the ROI and fixes everything.”

Alice: “Oh, right. Yes, we stopped using the thing in 2018 because it didn’t work. It was very expensive and broke everything. The Objective Obtainment Program Section, OOPS, was disbanded as a result. The thing is bad.”

Marcia: “Hello, Carol. We’ve determined that the thing is no good.”

Carol: “Oh, yes, totally bad. Not quite sure why you’re looking at the Thing in the first place. Probably not a good use of your time. You may want to re-evaluate your CRAP priorities.”