{"id":988,"date":"2021-11-10T21:01:08","date_gmt":"2021-11-10T21:01:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/?p=988"},"modified":"2021-11-15T18:59:24","modified_gmt":"2021-11-15T18:59:24","slug":"lets-take-a-road-trip","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/?p=988","title":{"rendered":"Let’s take a road trip!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

What you are about to read is totally true and accurate. You likely will be bewildered and experience stunned disbelief. However, except where I have embellished, lied, amplified or mis-remembered, this is all true! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife and I have just completed our first real vacation in years. And I mean that literally. YEARS! We\u2019ve taken a few long weekends away from home-sweet-home, but this adventure was nine days on the road to see something other than our own walls and carpets.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If\nI didn\u2019t hate people before this trip, and have a short fuse (which I do),\nthose conditions worsened on this trip.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\ndrove over 2,000 miles passing through North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia,\nOhio, Michigan, Ontario (Toronto), New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Virginia\nand back home to North Carolina.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\nsaw some of the most awful roads on our trip. In fact in Pennsylvania I had\njust, in the dark, entered a curving exit ramp, when the left wheels went\nthrough the deepest of all craters. Five cars were on the shoulder after having\nhit it ahead of us \u2013 those cars appeared to be broken and disabled: blown tires\nand bent-up undercarriages. Drivers were assessing their damage by the light\ncast from their Angry Birds devices, the look of stunned disbelief quite\nevident. Our sinuses and spinal cords ached from the impact, but we had no\n(visible) damage. But we hit it hard! Mr. Toyota: you make a strong Corolla!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\nleft on a Friday around noon, having worked the morning half of the day. We\nspent the first night in Parkersburg, West Virginia. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Apparently\nWest Virginia peoples don\u2019t believe in masks, the plague, protecting themselves\nor their tourists. Our hotel was very busy with a 50th<\/sup> high-school\nreunion going on \u2013 complete with coughing and hacking old smokers all over. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\nwas about 7 p.m. when we arrived and we wanted a good meal and an adult\nbeverage or eight. But we were tired. It was dark and rainy. So we dumped our\nbags in the room and drove to the nearby McDonalds. Not the type of gastro fare\nI wanted for my vacation to be sure. I wanted steak, baked spuds, beer and some\ncrazy-tall concoction of cake, ice cream or both, for dessert.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A Quarter Pounder and Filet-O-Fish were to be our first vacation meal delight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It took us a couple of hours to figure out how to enter the parking lot of said McDonalds. We were shaking with hunger and could smell the fries in the air, but we couldn\u2019t figure out how to get into the joint! Once I finally navigated into the lot, I realized I\u2019d just driven some distance down a one-way street \u2013 of course going in the suicide direction. Lucky for us there was no traffic and local law enforcement was busy keeping the peace at a nearby high school football game where the fireworks were blasting off in full force. Or maybe it was squirrel season, I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\ntook our food back to the room, ate and fell asleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The\nnext morn I went to the free breakfast to get some food to take back to the\nroom while my wife readied herself for the day\u2019s journey. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why\nwould people take grandkids to a class reunion? I don\u2019t get it. I was presented\nwith a crowd of 68-year-olds, puffing away on their Winstons, ignoring their pre-teens\nrunning about drinking straight from the chocolate milk fountain and running\ntheir sticky paws through the bread and bagel basket. I have so far failed to\nmake sense of this. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The\nonly thing I felt safe eating were bananas. And even those were slippery.\nBananas should not be slippery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\nate the tropical yellows in our room and then began our escape.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Next\nup, I needed my morning addiction: coffee. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\nhad spied a Starbucks on our way in to town. I knew just how to get there. Or\nso I thought. In my mind it was only inches away and on our way out of town. I\ntooled around a bit, both of us anxious to be on our damn way when I said\n\u201cForget it, I\u2019ll get gas station coffee!\u201d \u201cNo, we\u2019re getting you a Starbucks.\nI\u2019ll map us.\u201d my loving wife stated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She\ndid so which took us a couple of miles in the wrong direction but surprise of\nshocks, it was a nearly-new Starbucks and was one of the nicest ones I\u2019ve ever\nbeen in, regardless of state or country! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They\nall have that Starbucks vibe, but the people were so nice. And they were masked\nbut I swear to you, I think they had all their teeth! Really! I think they had\nfull sets of chompers behind those masks. They were clean, friendly, used full\nand proper sentences and handed over a venti blonde roast with haste and vigor.\nI only saw one tattoo and I think it was of a bunny. Well done, Parkersburg\nStarbucks!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then\nwe were on the road again (cue Willie).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The\nfirst of many ways the world stood on my sciatic nerve was on the West Virginia\nTurnpike which\u2026get this\u2026only takes CASH! Who carries cash!? Well, I do, but\nthat\u2019s not the point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\nwas the subject of several harsh rebukes bellowed by Toll Collector Betty. I\u2019m\nsure she said \u201cWe only accept cash, fine sir\u201d but it took about 17 attempts for\nus to understand her message. If she\u2019d had just one tooth in the front, she may\nhave been able to enunciate clearly. But no. To be fair, I was distracted by\nwiping from my glasses the chewing tobacco she was spewing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

These\ndays, having been gone for over 22 years, I can only get around the very major\nlandmarks in my old stomping grounds of Kalamazoo, Michigan. It has changed so\nmuch. I mean, they had running water and \u2018lectricity when I left, but now they\nlike, you know, have paved roads, Costcos and WalMarts and most of the people\nwear shoes!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\nhas become a joke that every time I visit mom, my first chore is to replace\nlight bulbs. And in her house she has can lights everywhere. The only place\nwhere there isn\u2019t a can light is over the dining table. She had a few lights\nburned out so I replaced them with bulbs she\u2019d purchased. Well, the new bulbs\nwere white LEDs and dang \u2013 they gave off a great light! The old bulbs were of\nthe Edison variety with bona-fide burning filaments in the bulbs. She was so\nenamored with the great light from the replacements she said: \u201cLet\u2019s go to\nMenard\u2019s (the Michigan version of Lowe\u2019s or Home Depot and one superior thing\nabout Michigan that has nothing to do with Lake Superior) and load up the cart\nand replace every light in the house!?\u201d She was so excited!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A\nfew hours and 37 bulbs later, she had fresh and modern illumination throughout\nthe estate. She informed us that she plans to die when she\u2019s 85 so she suspects\nthese bulbs will last her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While\nwe were at Menard\u2019s to get bulbs (we literally had a cart full of them), it was\nvery busy. Three lanes open with decent lines in each. It\u2019s almost our turn and\nmom said \u201cDo you recognize the cashier?\u201d I had paid her no notice until then\nbut when I gave her a solid review I instantly knew it was Meredith \u2013 a girl\nI\u2019d grown up with! Well, I haven\u2019t seen her since the 10th<\/sup> grade but\nshe was easily recognized. But I knew she wouldn\u2019t know me \u2013 I look more than a\nlittle different. She\u2019d of course recognize mom \u2013 she sorta stands out in a\ncrowd of bears and trout.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mind\nyou, we\u2019re in a long line of gun-toting Michiganders who are slightly toasted\nnow that pot is fully legal there, and mom decided to have a reunion with\nMeredith! Egads! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHow\u2019s\nyour mom? Where are you living? Are you married?  Kids? Coke or Pepsi?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Those\npeople behind us were seething! Mom insisted on paying so there was no way for\nme to hurry our exit. Meredith did her best to be friendly, but kept glancing\nto the angered farm boys who were sharpening their blades behind us \u2013 trying\nher best to send my mom a CLUE to move it! Mom\u2019s retired and entitled to her\nown timeline, so what the hell. If I make it to retirement, I\u2019ll do the same.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\nfinally got out of there with our skins, though one Bubba burned rubber right\nnext to us in the parking lot \u2013 he was either trying to flirt with my wife, or\nrun us over, I\u2019m not sure which. (TRANSLATION: Michigan boys think making a big\nburnout is a major turn-on to the ladies).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\nalso went to the lakeside resort area of South Haven, on the shores of Lake\nMichigan. But it was too blasted cold to do much. We walked around, took a few\nshots and hunted for coffee. South Haven has three independent coffee\njoints\u2026all of which close at 1 p.m. After that, Michiganders switch to\nmicrobrews and hard liquor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mom:\n\u201cBut my car has heated seats! Turn on your heated seats and you won\u2019t need\ncoffee!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me:\n\u201cI hate heated seats. They make my butt sweat.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Wife:\n\u201cI don\u2019t like heated seats\u2026they make me too hot.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mom:\n\u201cBut they\u2019re FANCY! I paid for \u2018em, you might as well use \u2018em!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Several\nmiles towards home we came upon a Biggby Coffee location. Desperation called\nfor a stop. I really do not like the juice that comes from Biggby Coffee. But\nit was hot and warming, and maybe created only a small ulcer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Next,\nwe were on to Toronto, Canada to visit with family and see some sights.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In\norder to enter Canada, you have to install an app on your phone, create an\naccount, and enter Passport information, immunization records and the results\nof a Covid test no more than 24 hours old and a 20-page essay extolling the\nvirtues of the confirming interrogative \u201ceh!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The\nday before our departure toward maple-land, we went to a local testing facility\nto have our nasals probed, in order to satisfy the requirement to cross the\nborder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\nwere so impressed with how well organized the place was. All drive-up. In 10\nminutes the whole thing was over. They promised that an email with the results\n(good for international travel) would appear the next morning. We planned to be\non the road at 10 a.m. that next morning in order to get to our Toronto hotel\nbefore dark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Morning\ncame and a quick breakfast of muffins and coffee was had, but nothing appeared\nin our email inboxes. Well, apparently we have an issue with our car warranty,\nbut that would be handled upon our return home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\nbegan to get nervous. Without those results, we couldn\u2019t cross the border.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hotel\nrooms were bought and paid for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Venue\nreservations had been made.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The\nhorror!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My\nwife called the testing place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They\ndidn\u2019t know who we were.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\nhad been given no \u201cpaperwork\u201d from the nose-voyeurs so all we could give them\nwas names, birthdates, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After\nshe was on the phone for many dozens of nervous minutes it turned out that the\nclerk had mis-typed our names, email addresses and phone numbers. I\u2019m sure our\nhandwriting had nothing to do with the fat-fingering as we both exhibit\nenviable script when filling out papers on our knees while seated in our car\nduring a blizzard. Anything is possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The\nfine Michigan lady told us we passed the tests, but that it could take a couple\nof hours for our certificates to be generated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And\ndon\u2019t forget to check your Spam folder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At\nlong last we got our certificates and completed registering on the ArriveCAN app\nand we hit the road.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hugs\nand goodbyes and we were away!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once\non Michigan main ruts, er, roads, it rained. It blew. It fogged. We couldn\u2019t\neven see the capitol dome in Lansing as we passed by. No impressive photos were\nhad. And the traffic was awful. I can\u2019t tell you how many close calls we had\ndue to the traffic and weather.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\nfinally made it to Port Huron, Michigan where we could take the Blue Water\nBridge to cross into foreign lands. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHello,\nbonjour! Said the nice border security lady. Passports, ArriveCAN code, bribe,\nfishing license and vaccination cards.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\nhanded them over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m\nalways nervous at border crossings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She\nwas wearing a Glock G22, with two spare magazines. She was ready to not take\ncrap from some fat and bald American. Or me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When\nI was a kid, we went to Canada a lot and back then smuggling cigarettes was a\nbig thing. Eight-year-old me was traumatized by seeing a families\u2019 car torn\napart by Canadian Mounties looking for smokes, while little Timmy and his doggie\nwatched in terror. The painful memory lingers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Agent:\n\u201cWhy do you want to come to Canada?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me:\n\u201cTo visit the CN Tower and the ROM (Royal Ontario Museum).\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Agent:\n\u201cYou\u2019re coming into Canada to do that on a WEDNESDAY? Who does that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me:\n\u201cWell, it\u2019s when we got time off work.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Agent:\n\u201cWhat do you both do?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me:\n\u201cI\u2019m a computer programmer, she (pointing to my wife) is a technical writer.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Agent:\n\u201cNeat.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Agent:\n\u201cHow much alcohol do you have in that trunk?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No\n\u201cDO you have alcohol?\u201d She ASSUMED alcohol! Is it written on our faces?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh,\nyeah, we were entering from Michigan, so yeah. But she didn\u2019t ask about Mary\nJane. She didn\u2019t care about Mary Jane at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But\nwe were PREPARED!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me:\n\u201cWe have about six cans of beer.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Agent:\n\u201cHow many liters is that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me:\n\u201cUm, I think they\u2019re each about 12 ounces.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Agent:\n\u201cCanada is on the metric system you dolt. How many LITERS are you bringing in?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fortunately,\nRomania is metric and my wife hailing from that land quickly calculated and\ngave the woman a number.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Agent:\n\u201cAnd you\u2019re going to drink that in the CN Tower?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me:\n\u201cNo, we\u2019ll drink it in our room.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Agent:\n\u201cBecause Canada doesn\u2019t have beer?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me:\n\u201cNo, but we brought beers we like.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Agent:\n\u201cYou wouldn\u2019t want to try Canadian beer? Just your own?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me:\nHunting for my next words, eyes locked on that Glock\u2026.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Agent:\n\u201cTell me about the weapons you have on-board. Keeping in mind that pocket\nknives and mace and mean words are considered weapons.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me:\n\u201cAll we have is my Swiss Army Knife.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The\nAgent gave me a disgusted look, apparently not a fan of the Swiss. She tapped\naway on her computer while we sweated in the frigid Canadian wind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally,\nshe handed our documents back to us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But\nshe wasn\u2019t finished with our shivering and apprehensive personages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Agent:\n\u201cYou\u2019ve been selected for a random Covid screening.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She\nhanded us two blue boxes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Agent:\n\u201cThere\u2019s a box for each of you. You\u2019ll drive ahead towards that Red Cross flag\nover there. Park by the cones. Open each of your boxes and follow the\ninstructions inside. Do not open your windows or doors. Stay in your car. This\nis a secure area. We will shoot. We\u2019re cold and we can warm our fingers on our\nhot gun barrels. It\u2019s up to you. Now drive to the flag very slowly.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\ndrove to the flag and we opened our boxes. Inside was a form to fill out with\nthe usual identifying informations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally,\na Jamaican dude appeared in front of us. How he can exist in such a frozen\nclime, I do not know. The man did a stilted mime that seemed to indicate that\nwe were to drive ahead through a maze of cones and concrete barriers only wide\nenough for a Trek to trek. I finally made it through the course with side-view\nmirrors still attached.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then\nwe were in the hands of nice Red Cross peoples. I tried to call my friend Mark who\nis a highly-placed volunteer official with the American Red Cross to see if he\ncould get us out of it, but he didn\u2019t answer. I suspect our call was blocked by\nthe Canadian Air Force, the air being thick with geese on maneuvers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The\nRed Crossers swabbed our nostrils.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Deep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And\nthey made each of us create a Red Cross Canada account on our phones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They\nwaited while we did this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They\ncontinued to wait.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our\neyes teared after having been poked from below and assaulted by the strong wind\noff Lake Huron. Filling out lengthy forms on an iPhone whilst crying is not a\nscenario that lends itself to speedy completion. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

More\nwaiting ensued during which the Red Crossers danced to unheard tunes in an\nattempt to not be frozen to the tarmac.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our\nwindows were open so the Reds could talk to us. We were lodged between\ntrailers, barriers and assault rifles. And bears, probably. There was no early escape\nto be enjoyed. Oh, and that moose. He looked to be asleep, but I think he had\none eye open, clearly focused on us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The\napp registration complete, they told us that it would allow them to\ncontact-trace in the event our tests came back with bad results. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\nwere finally released and allowed to continue our Canadian trek, where the maximum\nspeed limit is 55 mph \u2013 or 88 kmh \u2013 THEY\u2019RE METRIC! I had frequent flashbacks\nto Jimmy Carter \u2013 not the best kind of distraction whilst one is on vacation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

It\nwas several miles through gorgeous countryside before we came upon a gas\nstation. That was fortunate because I needed to change my undies and get a\nbottled Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino to re-engergize.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now\nfor a word about the details of the Canadian visit. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\nvisited Toronto sites, we walked hundreds of miles in the windy, cold Toronto\ndowntown, we ate too much, we drank too much, we shared stories and laughs with\nfamily who had met us there. But alas, after a couple of days, it was time to return\nto the land of angry people (Canadians truly are over-the-top in the friendly\ndepartment).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\nwas feeling a little nervous about re-entering the United States of A, given\nour nasal challenges entering Canada.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\ngot to the border crossing and because at that time it was closed to all but\nreturning citizens, there was nobody there. One lane open. Nobody ahead of us.\nNobody behind us. I think I spied a few clowns to the left, maybe a joker on\nthe right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The\nagent glanced at our passports and opened the gate. He didn\u2019t make any\nutterance. And just like that, we were at Niagara Falls, New York.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Other\nthan that, the trip was uneventful. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Except\nfor that crevasse in Pennsylvania. My lumbar region will always remember you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\nneed a vacation.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What you are about to read is totally true and accurate. You likely will be bewildered and experience stunned disbelief. However, except where I have embellished, lied, amplified or mis-remembered, this is all true! My wife and I have just completed our first real vacation in years. And I mean that literally. YEARS! We\u2019ve taken […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-988","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/988","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=988"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/988\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1001,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/988\/revisions\/1001"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=988"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=988"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=988"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}