{"id":973,"date":"2021-04-13T19:24:26","date_gmt":"2021-04-13T19:24:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/?p=973"},"modified":"2021-04-13T19:24:26","modified_gmt":"2021-04-13T19:24:26","slug":"youre-drinking-ice-cream-wrong","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/?p=973","title":{"rendered":"You’re drinking ice cream wrong"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I\u2019m a fairly simple boy from rural\nMichigan. As you\u2019d expect from that declaration, I\u2019m mediocre in most ways. But\nyou may be stunned to learn of the horrible gap that has prevailed in my realm\nof experiences. A failing that existed until recently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Michigan food specialties likely have\nbeen well-covered elsewhere. Hit up the internet with a search for Vernors or\nRoyal Crown Cola, fried smelt and Gerber\u2019s baby food. Of course, there\u2019s the\nFord Pinto and Chrysler K-Cars, but those are rarely considered edible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One food item that I never thought was\nspecial to Michigan or the Midwest was Malted Milk. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dairy of all kinds, including ice cream,\nis exceedingly popular in Michigan. Any ice cream outlet is going to offer\npatrons a \u201cmalt.\u201d This ice cream beverage is ice cream, whole milk and malted\nmilk blended up thick. You have to give a strong pull on the straw to get the\nelixir to play music on your taste buds. But you are truly rewarded when that\nband hits that first note of flavor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Malt for this recipe can be in powdered\nor liquid form. You can order a simple, I\u2019ve-given-up-on-living \u201cshake,\u201d but\nwhere I\u2019m from, you order a \u201cmalt.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Malt takes mediocre, low-quality\nice-milk and kicks it up to being something you actually want to invite into\nyour tasting room. Use it with good-quality ice cream and you\u2019ve elevated the\nexperience beyond measure. Any person who has yet to experience a vanilla malt\nhas my sympathy \u2013 and my sympathy comes at high cost.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One year my family ventured to St. Paul,\nMinnesota where my dad\u2019s sister lived. My uncle had just purchased a police\nscanner and he, my cousins and I were sitting on the living room floor,\nlistening to the calls and pinning the locations on a map. We were focused on\nthe action when my aunt came in with bowls of ice cream with powdered malt\nsprinkled on top.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At that point I had amassed 13 years of heartbeats\non this orb and considered malt a given, like air, the blue sky or Doritos. But\nwhen I scooped into that Rocky Road with malt powder, my eyelids peeled back,\nthe official mayhem blasting from the scanner speaker was no longer heard.\nRather, my brain was overcome by signals of astounding flavor and palate joy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

It was unclear as to whether my family\nin Michigan was to blame for not knowing this serving method or my aunt Iris was\nsimply a culinary genius yet to be appreciated on the world stage. Either way,\nI became a pest for the rest of the visit, suggesting that every meal should\ninclude some malted ice cream.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m a little older now and have lived in\nVirginia, Utah and North Carolina. It wasn\u2019t until my move to North Carolina\nthat it occurred to me that malt is not, indeed, universal!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know, I know. You wouldn\u2019t think so,\nbut after spending several years in this verdant state, it\u2019s true: malt is\nnearly unknown.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I started to be wary when I visited ice\ncream shops. I would instinctively order a \u201cvanilla malt.\u201d A couple of times\nthe transaction was completed and I left the establishment thinking \u201cAh, they\nforgot the malt \u2013 this is \u2018meh\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Other interactions with ice cream staff\nresulted in quizzical looks or the blatant: \u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d query.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seriously?!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re an ice cream service professional\nand you don\u2019t know what malt is?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How are you allowed behind that counter?\nHand in your cow-image name tag at once until you are properly trained!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

But no, it isn\u2019t entirely their fault.\nYou see, this region is unaware of malt. For hundreds of years they have\nconsumed their ice cream bowls and beverages sans malt. And they know no\nbetter!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I did some research and learned that\nNorth Carolina has microwave ovens, the internet, cellular telephones and even\nsliced bread. But no malt!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There likely will be a couple of members\nof my audience who might think themselves wise to suggest that I use Whoppers\ncandy as a substitute. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ummm, I\u2019ll be nice and presume you\ntripped on a crack in the sidewalk while trying to think. That or an infarct\nare the only explanations for such wayward imaginings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I took my studies deeper. If I could not\nprocure a professionally-prepared ice cream malt, then I would simply make it\nmyself. As a child we did this all the time. I had been trained. I had the\nskills. I knew the tricks, the foibles. I\u2019d simply buy the malt and fashion up\nthe delight on demand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Not a single store had malt on offer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not. A. One.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I went to the internet and my friends\nwho sell goods from their rainforest website. Because there is no time and\nspace warp, I was able to find Carnation Malt without much trouble. But because\nit is used in such quantities by those living in normal malt-loving states, the\npackages were enormous. Far too much in price, placing too large a demand on my\nmeagre storage options, to be practical.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was depressed. The more time went by\nwithout a malt, the more I craved it. Carnation tried to trick me numerous\ntimes as they sell their instant coffee creamer in a package that is nearly\nidentical to that used for malt. The sleepy part of an eyeball would perceive\none of those containers on a shelf and I\u2019d knock over a hippie buying hemp\npowder to get to that shelf only to find a creamer \u2013 not a malt. Fortunately\nfor me, a knocked-over hippy is generally a very forgiving sort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then one day I was shopping at a Publix.\nWe have very few of them and as you may know, they are a Florida-based grocery\nstore chain. Definitely nothing about them hints at Michigan or the Midwest or the\nNorth. I had all but given up my search for malt and when I saw part of the\nright-looking container, I was prepared to be duped by creamer. But this was\nthe real deal \u2013 it was legit! Behind the pickles, and a little beside the fava\nbeans, there was one lone container of malt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The store\u2019s public-address system\nswitched from touting their sale on melons (which actually was quite enticing)\nto a choir of angels singing praises to grass-fed dairy cows the land over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For some months now I\u2019ll have my\npersonal supply of malt. I\u2019ll survive. Purpose and hope have returned to my\noutlook. But I am saddened for the rest. I feel hopeless for the professional\nice cream operations that remain ignorant of the proper way to prepare an ice\ncream beverage. Still more traumatized by the masses of humanity who are\ndeprived of this flavor treat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I never would have thought such an\nimportant staple of life would be a rarity. But isn\u2019t that how it so often is?\nWe make assumptions. We don\u2019t know what we had until it\u2019s gone and other such clich\u00e9s.\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As for now, I\u2019m going to blend some Ben\n& Jerry\u2019s vanilla, a couple of tablespoons of malt and some milk. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

That is until when winter returns and\nI\u2019ll be popping some Vernors into the microwave. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You know about that, right\u2026?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m a fairly simple boy from rural Michigan. As you\u2019d expect from that declaration, I\u2019m mediocre in most ways. But you may be stunned to learn of the horrible gap that has prevailed in my realm of experiences. A failing that existed until recently. Michigan food specialties likely have been well-covered elsewhere. Hit up the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-973","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/973","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=973"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/973\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":983,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/973\/revisions\/983"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=973"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=973"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=973"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}