{"id":939,"date":"2019-12-23T19:47:09","date_gmt":"2019-12-23T19:47:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/?p=939"},"modified":"2019-12-24T02:27:17","modified_gmt":"2019-12-24T02:27:17","slug":"you-gonna-mow-that","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/?p=939","title":{"rendered":"You gonna mow that?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Friends\nof mine recently announced that they are buying their first house.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now all\nof the problems they encounter with a home will be their own!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kidding!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My third\nquestion to them was: \u201cAre you going to do your own mowing and stuff or are you\ngoing to farm it out?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell, I\u2019ve given it some thought and I reckon I\u2019ll give it a try. It\u2019s not a very big spot of land, shouldn’t be too hard.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A couple of years ago we gave up the lawn-care racket. When we bought our current house, I went pro.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I got rid\nof all the tools, implements and equipment \u2013 just gave it all away at the curb.\nGone! Poof! A huge load off, I tell you that! For sure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unless you\u2019ve got a large acreage or get some cosmic joy and overwhelming satisfaction from making mower-wheel lanes in the grass, I recommend that you not do your own mowing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your\nunknowing neighbors and kin may think your putting on Grand Poobah airs, but I\ndiffer. There are many facts to be considered that often go overlooked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s\nlook at how costly this endeavor is. You\u2019re of course going to need a lawn\nmowing contraption. Let\u2019s say a decent lawn mower is going to nick your wallet\nfor $500. That\u2019s quite a few Dominos. Pies with extra cheese I might add.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re\ngoing to have to get that heavy and cumbersome beast home. And assemble it. And\nnot hurt yourself, your spouse or your dignity. If you do end up purchasing\nsaid machine, I suggest that you keep the garage door closed during assembly \u2013\nthe neighbors don\u2019t need to know what\u2019s goin\u2019 on. They\u2019ll still be able to hear\nyour pained utterances while you try to get Bolt A into Slot Q while keeping\nCog M angled at exactly 37 degrees.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re\nnot done yet, my Bermuda friend. You\u2019re going to need a gas can. That\u2019s another\n$20 pop to your cruise fund.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

That can isn\u2019t going to fill itself. At regular intervals you\u2019ll need to take it on a road trip to your filling station of choice. One could argue that the cost of the fuel is minor, but it\u2019s the schlepping that is so costly here. A gas can is a messy, dirty, filthy, dangerous and unstable thing. After a month in the garage it will be dusty, dearly held by a community of spiders and covered with grass particles. Those grass particles will be strongly adhered to the gas that you spill onto the can. And your feet. And your trousers. You’re going to smell just great tonight at the Red Lobster.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, you\nWILL spill\u2026trust me. Even if you stop the fill inches from the top, the nozzle\nis going to burp, spit and drip. There will be spillage. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\nspillage will get into your vehicle. On your hands. On your steering wheel. On\nyour phone. On your wallet. On your itchy nose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Try not\nto spill it or tip it over on the drive home. That grandma with the big hair\nwho stops short in front of you easily could lead to a gallon of 87-octane\nspritzing around the cabin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gasoline\nisn\u2019t the only dead-dinosaur product you\u2019ll be messing with. You\u2019ll need to\nchange the oil every year as well. Buying those cute little three-dollar\nbottles of oil is only going to impact your chewing-gum budget, but the\nchanging of the oil, now there\u2019s a job only Goober is truly suited for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ll\nneed to run the machine enough to warm it up, but not so much that the oil is hot\nenough to cook your Thanksgiving bird. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then you\nneed to Rube Goldberg yourself a way to catch the oil that you\u2019re going to\nrelease from that machine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You will be wearing oil. You will spill oil. You will make a mess of the entire situation. And make sure no furry creatures come about and start to wear and ingest the oil. That\u2019s a bad thing. If you care about furry creatures. And I know you do \u2013 you\u2019re not a cretin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Once\nyou\u2019re done with the oil-change procedure you\u2019ll have a jar of nasty old oil\nthat you need to transport to a recycle center. And you thought that driving\nwith a can of gasoline was a treat \u2013 try a Mason jar of 10W30 and 45 mph. And\nno, it isn\u2019t going to fit in your cup holder. It\u2019s going to be more tricky than\nthat, especially when you realize that holding the jar between your legs is a\nno-go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Next up\nin your misery is sharpening the blade. That first mow is going to give you\nsuch a sense of joy and satisfaction! The grass will look crisp and clean and\nso handsome! But after about six iterations, the blade is going to be dull and\nyou\u2019ll be frustrated and distracted by grasses that have been pummeled, but not\ncut, beaten but not sliced, berated but not trimmed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Routinely\nyou\u2019ll need to tip over the mower, use a wrench and block of wood to remove the\nblade so you can sharpen it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ve\ngot a bench grinder, right? Because that\u2019s the only way to do this job\nproperly. Those gizmos you attach to your drill are toys, meant to extract\nfunds from well-meaning new mowing people. If you escape without metal flakes\nin your eyes and knuckles intact, you still won\u2019t have a sharp blade. You will\nhave spent a half hour fighting and struggling for no result.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

After\neach mowing expedition you really should clean out the machine. Grass and dust\nand muck will accumulate under there. It will. But you know what? You won\u2019t\nclean the machine. You\u2019ll take a glance in the blade chamber and think it\u2019s not\ntoo bad, so you\u2019ll just roll the machine into its garage home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But it\u2019s\ngoing to build up. And it will lead to poor cutting. Hard starts. Blockages to\nthe exit chute. You don\u2019t want that. You\u2019ll have to, at least sometimes, clean\nthe deck. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

That will\ninvolve using a flat-head screwdriver in a way for which it was not designed,\nto scrape gunk. That will lead to a pile of allergy-inducing deceased vegetable\nmatter scattered on the driveway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Next,\nyou\u2019ll be brooming that crap up and putting it in the trash can. Try not to\nbreathe whilst doing this else your intake chute becomes clogged.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mowers\ncut the big main grass, but what about the small auxiliary grass? The stuff\naround the sidewalk, driveway, mailbox and moat? For that you\u2019ll need a line\ntrimmer (don\u2019t call it a Weed Whacker or Weed Eater!). That means more gasoline\nand more oil.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\nget a four-cycle machine, you\u2019re buying more gas and oil just like you do for\nthe mower. But if you get a two-cycle system, you\u2019ll need yet another gas can\nto keep separate gas for the line trimmer\u2026to which you will carefully measure\nand add unique two-cycle oil.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is\ngetting to be so much fun isn\u2019t it? I know, you\u2019re doing a penguin-esque\nhappy-dance right now!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ve\nput it off long enough, the grass is too high and regardless of how much you\ndon\u2019t feel like doing it, nor how high the heat and humidity, nor how tired you\nare nor how you\u2019d much rather be organizing your spice rack instead, you must\ndo your duty and mow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For this\nyou\u2019ll have to change clothes into, well, an outfit that was flashy and swell\nin the \u201870s, but now is only fit for sweaty, dusty, dirty and grimy yard work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The\nmowing will be hard. Even if we assume your machine start easily on the first\ntug of the cord, you\u2019ll be walking back and forth in monotonous and\nunfulfilling transits about the property. Your mind will wander all over\ntarnation. What else can it do? It\u2019s not truly mindless work \u2013 you need to stay\nawake, but the mind will go off to ponder topics that ought not to be pondered.\n(What does happen to astronaut\u2019s tears?).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Are you\noverlapping enough or not enough? Are you throwing clippings in Beuregard\u2019s\nyard (he gets decidedly miffed when you spray clippings on his Camaro)? Are you\npitching stones into the road and cracking windshields? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your\nfeet, ankles and knees will hurt. You\u2019ll step \u201cfunny\u201d and it won\u2019t be\nhilarious. (Unless you go full-on ballet mode and make a body-on-turf impact\nthat amuses the neighbors).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When that\neternal moment arrives when you feel assured that you can cut the engine,\nyou\u2019ll next be on to firing up the trimming machine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\nweren\u2019t wearing protective gear for your eyes and ears before, you\u2019ll need them\nnow (that\u2019ll be $23.95).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\ntrimmer doesn\u2019t have an exit chute you know \u2013 the WORLD is its chute. And that\nmeans you, my friend, will be wearing those clippings on your person. The\nclippings mostly will cling to your pants (you weren\u2019t wearing shorts, were\nyou?). You\u2019ll need to take a broom to yourself before you step into the\nhouse\u2026you just will. But you\u2019ll only succeed in removing the clippings on your\nfrontside\u2026the anterior is where all of the clippings that will litter your\nliving room, bedroom and bathroom will persist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is\nso much an adventure, eh? You begin to see why people procreate so that they can\nmake their offspring tend to the task!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Line\ntrimmers can look like some level of fun to operate. But they are tough on the\narms, shoulders and back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Line\ntrimmers constantly beg for your attention. The line needs to be replaced\nnearly constantly and I don\u2019t care what system you\u2019ve got, it\u2019s a pain. It\u2019s\ndirty. It\u2019s challenging, and never is successful until at least five attempts\nhave been made. Oh yeah, and that\u2019s about $10 per spool of line\u2026don\u2019t forget\nthat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

You\nrealize of course, that you\u2019re going to be experiencing this joy at least every\nother week, assuming you have a slow-grow field of weeds\u2026every week if you have\na Type-A plot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just\nthink of everything else of more value or interest that you want and need to do\ninstead of mowing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The basic\nmowing chores may take an hour per week\u2026likely more. Certainly more when you\nneed to get gas, sharpen a blade, add line, diagnose a failure, etc. and etc. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

While\nyou\u2019re at work you\u2019ll fall under the demands the lawn puts on you. You\u2019ll\nenvision the tall grasses, swaying in the wind, guiding your mind to say \u201cI should\nmow tonight.\u201d You won\u2019t be able to focus on the conspiracy theory being spouted\nin the adjacent cube because you\u2019ll be justifying in your head the putting off\nof mowing for \u201cjust one more day.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ll\nend up putting it off until Saturday. In your wisdom you\u2019ll figure you\u2019ll get\nup early, before it\u2019s too hot, and just get it done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Until\nSaturday morning when you\u2019re having the best dream about bunnies, coffee cake\nand massages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It will\nbe that same Saturday that your spouse has an idea for something amazing, fun\nand enlightening to do almost anywhere else than home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ll\neither do the mow and be hot and nasty and tired or you\u2019ll put it off and feel\nguilty. Don\u2019t forget to avoid eye-contact with the neighbors when you leave \u2013\nyou know 14-inches is too tall for grass in your neighborhood, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do you\nhave an HOA?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That nice\nvacation you\u2019re on right now? The grass is still growing you know, even while\nyou\u2019re sipping fancy island beverages. When you come home, the grass is\nprobably going to be tickling your elbows \u2013 do you really want to come home to\nthat?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ah, ah,\nah! Do not talk to me about electric cutting gear. That\u2019s only going to save\nyou on the petrochemical side of the equation. You\u2019re still going to break a\nhip and burn hours of personal time doing the dirty work. A rechargeable mowing\nmachine is false economy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The other\nhazard of doing your own mowing is snakes. They\u2019re out there. They lurk. They\nwant you. They will get you. They just will, it\u2019s what they do. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You realize\nnow that you should hire a professional mowing organization. You clearly\nunderstand the wisdom of my points. I am right. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, it\ncosts money. But you\u2019re spending a lot by doing it yourself. Just consider\nthese costs for your first year:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mower<\/td>$500
<\/td><\/tr>
Trimmer<\/td>$100<\/td><\/tr>
Gas Can<\/td>$20<\/td><\/tr>
Fuel<\/td>$50<\/td><\/tr>
Oils<\/td>$25<\/td><\/tr>
Line<\/td>$10<\/td><\/tr>
Safety Gear<\/td>$23.95<\/td><\/tr>
Time<\/td>$1,040 (1 hour\/week x $20\/hour x 52 weeks)<\/td><\/tr>
TOTAL<\/strong><\/td>$1,768.95<\/strong><\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s\ndang near $2,000.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re\ngoing to say \u201cBut uncle Earl, I\u2019m not going to buy machines every year. After\nthe first year it won\u2019t be that much.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s\nsort of true, but you\u2019ll have to be budgeting for the replacement of those\nmachines. They don\u2019t last. Fastidious maintenance will extend the life, but that\u2019s\ncosting you in deprived leisure hours along the way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re thinking maybe you\u2019ll compromise and hire Teddy, the 14-year-old down the street. Well, that\u2019s a lawsuit waiting to happen. Teddy is going to stick his hand in the machine to unclog it and you\u2019ll find yourself paying for his missing phalanges, not to mention the dent in that BMW Z4 that was driving by at the exact moment ole Teddy hit that pebble.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hire a\npro. They have insurance. They\u2019re more responsible. They\u2019ll mow while you\u2019re at\nwork so it will be like you\u2019ve hired your own little magic show! You leave a\nmildly fuzzy lawn in the morning and return to robins singing with glee!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now,\nthere are many benefits for you, not the least of which is the furthering of\nyour leisure time and opportunities thereto. But you\u2019ll also be stimulating the\neconomy, providing an income to people and maintain a consistently manicured\nappearance and high value to your home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mowing is\na trap. Heck, the American lawn is a trap. But we\u2019re stuck with the second\npart, the first part can be fixed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step up.\nMake some calls, get them hired and scheduled. And live!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now let\u2019s\ntalk about plowing that snow\u2026.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Friends of mine recently announced that they are buying their first house. Now all of the problems they encounter with a home will be their own! Kidding! My third question to them was: \u201cAre you going to do your own mowing and stuff or are you going to farm it out?\u201d \u201cWell, I\u2019ve given it […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-939","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/939","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=939"}],"version-history":[{"count":16,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/939\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":962,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/939\/revisions\/962"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=939"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=939"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=939"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}