{"id":1093,"date":"2022-08-15T18:08:57","date_gmt":"2022-08-15T18:08:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/?p=1093"},"modified":"2022-08-15T23:15:32","modified_gmt":"2022-08-15T23:15:32","slug":"i-am-not-a-crook","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/?p=1093","title":{"rendered":"I am not a crook!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/a><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

(The following true tale may include hyperbole and drama not contained in the actual events).<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was a difficult convert to the cult of Costco. I resisted for years. It wasn\u2019t until a good friend of mine, I\u2019ll call him Mark, gave me a gift membership, that I embraced the goodness that is Costco.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once I actually shopped there, and had a few samples and of course a hot dog, I was a convert.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a good Costco member, I have oft-questioned the receipt-examination procedure one must go through to exit the facility with one\u2019s 300-pack of AAA batteries and lifetime supply of Nutella (there\u2019s no such thing, by the way). But I\u2019ve questioned lightly, not wishing to anger the Costco gods. But really \u2013 what is the point?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For years I have successfully exited Costco facilities in various states without a fuss. Routinely I exchange a friendly salutation and a weather-related comment with the Sharpie-wielding clerk and am on my way to the parking lot to begin the \u201cWhere did I park\u2026?\u201d seek-and-find adventure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My most recent visit was this past Sunday. It had been many months since my last trip to worship at the house of Costco and I felt rusty. It took me several harried moments to remember that I had to flash my Costco Membership Card to gain entry to the hallowed grounds. The embarassment! I felt like a lowly newbie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every trip to Costco is a social experiment about to go off the rails. This trip was no different. The entire state of North Carolina and a large part of nearby Virginia were shopping. It was packed wall to rafter with humans of all descriptions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We had our list and proceeded to work it. It wasn\u2019t a long list, but it contained some items that we prefer to get at Costco. There of course is the thirty-dollar bag of chicken breasts, plump and in their own little freezer-friendly cocoons. Then the mixed nuts with sea salt, a happenstance purchase of a bottle of red wine from Portugal, a couple of bags of snack items to test and finally allergy and indigestion pills.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I\u2019ve already hinted, the joint was hoppin\u2019! The pharmacy area was the last we visited which is near the checkout lanes. An examination revealed that the lines went all the way back into the store, to the camping tents, grills and tofu samples.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There were many lines.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many lines of carts overflowing with goodness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many lines that were not moving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A mass of humanity that looked weary, tired and close to tears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But then I noticed the new self-checkout lanes \u2013 and they had essentially no lines! Perhaps I was saved!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In general, I avoid the self-checkout option. While I fully admit my lack of skill may be at fault for these machines routinely failing to scan my goods, it nonetheless makes me self-scan averse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And let\u2019s not forget the $4 bottle of red juice from Portugal \u2013 that would throw a wrench into the do-it-yourself works.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, I bravely filed a change of flight plan and started the tedious process of redirecting my cart through rivers of folks: tall, short, wide and narrow, clued and clueless, so that I could align with one of the self-check lanes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once I was queued, the air was filled with various Costco clerks singing out: \u201cScan your membership card first! Scan your membership card FIRST!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was ahead of them! I assumed that\u2019s how the process would begin, and I was ready! I had my card in hand and was poised to scan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s when the confusion started. This machine beeped and talked a lot. It’s as if it had spent a year in solitary confinement and was finally released into the world and had things to say. My, did it have things to say!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cScan your first item. Item in bagging area. BEEP! Lift your right foot, step behind the line, take off your hat. BEEP!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I scanned my first item.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBeep!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPlace item in the bagging area. Beep! Did you know Costco has great prices on tires?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBeep!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I scanned the next item.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBeep!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I saw no item recognized on the screen. Do I scan again and risk a duplicate? I waited. I sensed anger building from others waiting for my machine. I tried to read messages on the screen, which was cluttered with ads, instructions, unnecessarily truncated text and issued forth beeps of different pitches and volumes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I scanned my fowl breasts once again. This time the \u201cBeep!\u201d was followed by proof that my item had been scanned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPut your item in the bagging area and be sure to visit our commissary for some cooling frozen yogurt!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I scanned some more and again was berated for not putting my item in the bagging area fast enough. We sort of learned that we had to place the item and let it rest before adding it to our bag (yes, THIS time, we remembered to bring our own bag!).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As you are a wise reader, you know the wine was next.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Scan\u2026.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBeep, beep, beep! Age-restricted item in self-checkout lane four! Beep! Beep! Adult Beverage Violation Code Four!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lights now appeared on a pole attached to the whining machine. Fortunately, a Costco clerk was not long in coming and overriding the message (she didn\u2019t even ask for my I.D. \u2013 rude!).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I said, our list was short, just eight items (remember that number \u2013 it will become ever so important).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While preparing my payment card for action, a Costco clerk stopped in to say that \u201cThese machines require that you place all items in the bagging area and leave them there until all items are scanned and you touch the \u2018Pay Now\u2019 button.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, okay. We were done at that point\u2026but I quickly had the question about when someone has more than will fit in the \u201cBagging Area.\u201d I wanted to ask \u2013 to further my knowledge for future Costco escapades, but the herd of people on my six was growing ever less patient.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As that day\u2019s luck would have it, the touchless method of card payment failed me. I waved, I tapped, I parried my card \u2013 it would not be read. I resorted to the barbaric, ancient method of inserting my card into the reader.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thousands looked on, basking in my embarrassment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But the worse was to come!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Our transaction complete, we pedaled our way toward the exit, which had two Costco Receipt Evaluation And Sharpie Engineers on duty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being left-handed, I stuck to the left lane.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGood afternoon, did you find everything you were looking for?\u201d Gwendolyn queried.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes, we did. Looks like rain. We could use it.\u201d I answered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gwendolyn, swiping her Sharpie across my receipt, said \u201cHave a nice day.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But before I could take one step, \u201cHold on, you have eight items in that bag, not six.\u201d Gwendolyn stated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In a tone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She must be confused, of course she is. Everything\u2019s stuffed in the bag, she can\u2019t see everything, she\u2019ll paw through the bag and let us go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But no \u2013 her highly-trained eagle-eyes did in fact correctly spot a discrepancy. You see, our receipt indicated SIX items paid for and she pulled EIGHT items from our bag.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cStep aside, step aside, right here. I\u2019ll have to get a supervisor to evaluate your issue.\u201d Gwendolyn said in not a quiet voice, which no longer seemed to care if we\u2019d found everything we wanted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She continued to get on the public address system to announce \u201cI need a Front Line Supervisor to the Receipt Check Area for an incorrect item count investigation. Security, please secure the exits.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had that sick feeling in my stomach. My legs went weak. AAA still has free bail coverage with their road service, plan, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everyone entering and those trying to exit stared at us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI AM NOT A CROOK! No, seriously! Yes, Nixon was a little bit dodgy, but I AM NOT A CROOK!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After many minutes in the purgatory that was the \u201caside\u201d area, the Front Line Supervisor arrived.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She took the receipt from my hand and started removing items from our bag.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh, I see you didn\u2019t want to pay for the Prilosec and Allegra \u2013 the most expensive items in your cart today. You do realize that you must pay for EVERYTHING, not just some things, right? This isn\u2019t your pantry \u2013 this is Costco!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her hands on hips and her head set to a jaunty angle, I lamely tried to defend myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, I was sure I scanned everything. I must have missed them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt sure looks that way, doesn\u2019t it?\u201d Samantha the Supervisor declared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGive me your membership card and a credit card \u2013 I will extract your payment for these items.\u201d Samantha ordered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I meekly handed her my cards and she disappeared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Was she going to shred my membership card? Would I be banned?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Were those sirens the sheriff or an ambulance? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Samantha returned with my cards and yet another receipt for the two items from my ATTEMPTED ROBBERY.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBe more careful in the future. Make sure each item is reflected on-screen before going on to the next one. We\u2019re watching. You won\u2019t get away with this.\u201d Samantha advised.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIs it okay for us to go now?\u201d I asked, still trembling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Samantha: \u201cYes, though it looks like rain.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But then Gwendolyn returned to the scene: \u201cSamantha, don\u2019t forget to Sharpie the secondary receipt to close the investigative loop!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh, yes, thanks Gwen.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Samantha grabbed back the receipts soaking up the sweat in my palm and squiggled black ink around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThank you for shopping at Costco. We sure could use the rain.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(The following true tale may include hyperbole and drama not contained in the actual events). I was a difficult convert to the cult of Costco. I resisted for years. It wasn\u2019t until a good friend of mine, I\u2019ll call him Mark, gave me a gift membership, that I embraced the goodness that is Costco. Once […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1093","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1093","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1093"}],"version-history":[{"count":15,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1093\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1111,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1093\/revisions\/1111"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1093"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1093"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aaronkuehn.net\/tol\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1093"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}